MODERN BIBLE

I don't want to be smited, but the Modern Day version of the Bible is hysterical:

Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47 …40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, if though wilt, thou canst make me clean. 41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and saith unto him, I will; dost thou have insurance? 42 And the leper saith unto him, Yes. I have Empire Blue Cross. 43 And Jesus asked of the leper, Dost thou have the PPO or the HMO? 44 And the leper saith unto him, I have the HMO. 45 And Jesus saith unto him, I am sorry, my child, but heal you I cannot, for I only accept Empire Blue Cross’ PPO plan. 46 And the leper wept, but Jesus saith unto him, Perhaps another messiah will be along who accepts your plan. 47 And he sent the leper away from him.

Read more here.

[Via]

BIBLICAL BUTCHERY

Kottke linked to a nice list of mass people killin' in the bible.  And by nice, I mean of course appalling.  But in the same way I was appalled when the Sentinels under the control of Sebastian Shaw murdered many members of the X Men.  That is, I read this stuff and take it with a grain of salt.  Anyway, here's some good ol' fashion biblical smiting!

4. Elijah (and God) burned to death 102 men. 2 Kings 1:10-12 5. David killed 200 Philistines to purchase his first wife with their foreskins. 1 Samuel 18:25-27, BT 6. Abishai killed 300 men with a spear. 2 Samuel 23:18, 1 Chronicles 11:20, BT

Rest of the list here.