Bill Simmons re-examines his Diane Lane All Stars (his team of hot 40-years-old or older actresses in Hollywood). His batting order for 2010:
1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You'd fear her on the basepaths.2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.
3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It's almost unfair to the others that she's eligible. It's like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.
4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.
5. Selma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure … home runs.
6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She's our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who's four or five years older than listed.
7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don't worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She's still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.
8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.
9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn't go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.
Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She's like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.
Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can't match?
I really can't argue with this list.
Update: In light of Sandra Bullock's drama involving her cheating Nazi-ing husband, I wonder if Simmons needs to reconsider Bullock's position in the line-up.