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One of the greatest things I heard someone say about [Fred] is, 'He's so great at doing impersonations.' But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person. To me, that sums it up.

- Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men) on her ex-husband Fred Armisen (SNL).

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Age ain't nothing but a number... It's also a pretty accurate barometer of how old you are.

- David O'Doherty

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Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man: Looks retarded, acts retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cars, autistic, sho', not retarded. You got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump: Slow yes, retarded maybe, but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping pong competition, that ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, Being There: Infantile yes, retarded no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam: Went full retard, went home empty handed.

- Wisdom of Kirk Lazarus

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Artists to my mind are the real architects of change, and not the political legislators who implement change after the fact.

- William S. Burroughs

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Some people are so indecisive their favorite color is plaid.

- Ronald Reagan

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I keep thinking that I graduated from college a couple of years ago when it was actually 1983.

- Aaron Sorkin

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I don't want anybody, but my wife and maybe my doctor touching me in the places these people are touching me.

- Captain Sully, on the TSA's man (and women) handling procedure.

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Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

- Barry Switzer

[Via]

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"[Tupac] always wanted me to smoke weed with him, and I never did it and I wish I did. That's my biggest regret."

- Mike Tyson

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I'd say I love you, but I only got one love and that's for me. I can't cheat on myself.

- JP

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Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

- Charles Schulz

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At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgement.

- Benjamin Franklin

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I like to shoot fish in a barrel. But I like to do it after the water has run out.

- Warren Buffet

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Mmm. Straight from the teet. - Lynda

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If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.

- Katharine Hepburn

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The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

- John Kenneth Galbraith

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There will be a retention award. Please do not call it a bonus. It is not a bonus. It is an award.

- James Gorman, co-president of Morgan Stanley. 

[Via]

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This is very controversial, I know, but I think I'm gonna get the Wii Fit then cancel gym membership. - Munira

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I drink everything in small doses...except alcohol.

- Ayo

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Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough.

- Mark Twain

[Thanks Annie!]