THE HAPPENING AIN'T HAPPENING

So my favorite thing to do currently is to discuss loudly the "gotcha" spoiler of M. Night Shyamalan's new movie The Happening. I think of it as my civic duty to protect people from themselves and let them apply their hard earned 11 dollars instead towards better things like buying two and a half gallons of gas.  The movie is that horrendous.

Says who? you ask.

Says my coworker.

Says this critic who just eviscerates the movie. Spoiler warning:

Elliot, Alma, and Jess flee from Philadelphia to a series of smaller towns and ultimately the rural countryside. This makes sense in the movie's nonsensical context--the nation's trees are somehow "targeting" big cities first and then smaller and smaller populations. But it seems more than a little unhinged that our heroes' response to the revelation that the trees are trying to kill them is to head into the forest.

Says Moye and I...and we haven't even seen it.  And we won't. So there.

Actually the object of this whole pointless entry was just so I could use the obvious pun in my headline.

GNAR WARS!

You know what would make the original Star Wars even cooler? If Obi Wan and Co. were on SNOWBOARDS. I like the moment on the ski lift. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2uiRzT9fYQ]

REQUIEM FOR A DAY OFF

Ferris Bueller gets reworked into a new trailer set to music from Requiem for a Dream.  It's lengthy (4 minutes) but worthwhile.  I especially like the last moment in the trailer. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Vy2aJY6rq8]

Amazing what music and editing can do to turn a comedy into something utterly creepy.

UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY: JOHN LEGUIZAMO SAYS:

"Text me!  Text me!  I can't hear you!" from a scene in the upcoming M. Night Shyamalan's movie The Happening.

IRON MAN T-SHIRT

I've been wanting to share this gratis Iron Man t-shirt I received when I went to the pre-release screening of Iron Man.  T-shirt is pretty bad ass, right?  I mean obviously not approaching the badassness of Aquaman, but it is a close second.

INTERVIEW WITH JOHN CHO AKA HAROLD AKA SOON TO BE SULU

This is a great interview with John Cho in advance of the national release of the heavily anticipated, at least around these parts, of the sequel to Harold and Kumar in which John Cho reprises the role of Harold. In the interview Cho highlights something about Asians and the entertainment industry that I've noticed, which is a rise in the casting of Asian Americans in commercials.

One thing I'm oddly encouraged by though, there's a lot of Asians in commercials. The reason why I think that's important... you know, there's the casting where they say, okay, we're going to make our show look cosmetically multicultural. We're gonna try and do this thing that you guys keep asking for. And then there are commercials, which are just pure commerce, in that we're trying to sell you this product. Asians, buy this detergent. And if they're trying to sell us detergent, or trying to sell us a Lexus, maybe eventually they'll try to sell us movies, you know? Come see this movie. We've put together a cast of people that look like you. So maybe that's the next move.

The other day, I noticed a commercial, the exact product escapes me at the moment, featuring an Asian guy, his white wife, and their hapa baby.  That observation is apropos of nothing because to fully explicate this would make my head explode, and I don't think there's enough space on the Internets.

Anyway, on an anecdotal level I've observed a trend in commercials where castings seem to reflect a more accurate mirroring of our multi-racial and cultural environment.  Movies and television alas is still far, far behind.  But!  There's a light at the end of that tunnel! Oh wait, no light, it's just Neil Patrick Harris riding on a  unicorn.  Thank GOODNESS for awesome stoner dude-flicks like Harold and Kumar!!

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT GATTACA

So "Gattaca" is one of my favorite movies. It's one of those films that I wonder why isn't more popular and that I wish I would see more on TV instead of "The Mummy" for the 208th time. Did you know that:

The original ending of the film featured images of people who may have never been born if we'd had genetic testing: people like Albert Einstein (dyslexia) , Abraham Lincoln (Marfan syndrome), Jackie Joyner-Kersee (asthma) and John F. Kennedy (Addison's disease) were shown over a background of stars with their afflictions listed. It then ends with the statement "Of course, the other birth that may never have taken place is your own." People in test screenings said it made them feel inadequate.

I would also like to add to the roll call above: Matthew Rodriguez (Allergy to cat hair and bad eyesight).

More Gattaca factoids here. Nerds say what. What?

TOP MOVIE DANCE SCENES

I see that Step Up 2 is coming out soon. I saw the first one in the theater. Voluntarily. I don't know what it is, but I freaking love movies with dance offs. Gets my feet a tappin' and my head a noddin'. Here's my top 7 dance scenes in no particular order. Coyote Ugly

I've been to the Coyote Ugly and it was just like the movie, but completely the opposite. The only similarity between the two--movie and reality--was the bouncer. Definitely no hot blonds and brunettes dumping ice water on each other. Anyway, this clip is awesome. Simply awesome. And it was even more awesome on the big movie theater screen. Wish it was IMAX tho.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=F_hBAcOsIQg]

Footloose

The casting call for this movie went something like this: male or female, white, jump around like an idiot and call it dancing.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Gtr_m8l3CHY]

You Got Served

I hope this clip is one of the few remaining things that survives our civilization a thousand years from now. Although by then people will be able to view this on YouTube3D while skating on their hovercrafts or jetpacking to work.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=7xBxJ805Vp0]

She's All That

I'm a big fan of the synchronized dance. Why didn't this happen more often in high school? Or college? Or now? Come on, people. Practice next Wednesday at 7 pm. Wear comfortable clothing and sneakers.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=gE3kFtiuQps]

Step Up

Usher picked the wrong party to DJ. He shouldla been at the helm of this synch dance session. [youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=1Bl5GmokOZ4]

Napoleon Dynomite

Our elders had Gene Kelly singin' in the rain, and our generation has a retard:

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=uIf8y0h3lH0]

Sin City

Four words. 1. Jessica 2. Alba. 3. 'Nuff 4. Said.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=V3WZPv718f4]

MON MEILLEUR AMI (MY BEST FRIEND): REVIEW

In a recent entry reviewing La Vie En Rose, I commented that "Just because it’s French doesn’t mean it’s good." That biopic was true of this sentiment. However, conversely "Mon Meilleur Ami (My Best Friend)" is an example of a film that is enjoyable precisely because it is French. The basic conceit emerges from a bet between two business partners who own an antique shop: Catherine does not believe that her partner Francois has a best friend. The truth is deeper than that, not only does Francois lack a best mate, but lacks friends at all. He is not only disconnected from Catherine's life and dismissive of those around him, including his girlfriend, as well as those he comes in contact with, but most painfully for him is his inability to connect with his own daughter. The bet brings forth this reality, which he feverously attempts to redress, resorting to desperate artifice involving a trivia whiz cab driver who possesses a certain savoir faire personality that Francois longs to attain. I'm refraining from discussing the plot too much for fear of giving away too many of the small surprises that makes this ultimately enjoyable.

This anodyne film lightheartedly explore notions of friendship, encapsulated in the question "Who can you call at 3 am?." Times reviewer A.O. Scott put it best when he wrote, "My Best Friend” is a comforting, sentimental tale of a kind that would be insufferably maudlin if made in Hollywood and unbearably affectless if it showed up at Sundance. Somehow it’s easier to take in French." Having no previous knowledge or awareness of this film, we read Scott's review which was placed on a poster board by the movie theater's entrance. And that statement nails the film directly on the head. While at times dancing dangerously close to the line of cringing cliched triteness, somehow because it's French the story works.

Three stars out of five. Sometimes just because it's French it's good.

MROD REVIEWS: VITUS

Twas a movie filled weekend: Ratatouille on Friday, La Vi En Rose on Saturday, and Vitus on Sunday. Vitus is a Swiss film (english subtitled) that makes me wish that it's based on a true story--it successfully casts real life child piano prodigy Teo Gheorghiu in the role of Vitus, a piano prodigy and child genius--because it's an incredibly uplifting film. As expected, his parents, especially his mother are exactly the sort of parents popular culture depicts child prodigy's parents to be: Pushy and overly-protective. In sharp contrast, Vitus's grandfather--his best friend and confidante--engages and challenges his grandson's enormous intellect, atypical talent and limitless curiosity in an underhanded way that nonetheless appears to be a more effective manner in helping Vitus come to terms with and embrace his inner genius and wunderkind.

The casting of Teo in the lead role is a wondeful opportunity where his actual piano virtuosity allows the director to frame the entire shot without being forced to utilize the traditional cheap "trick" of zooming in close on the hands that clearly belong to an actual musician and not the actor. As a result I found myself drawn deeper into the story and film. And the kid is a pretty decent actor to boot.

Four stars out of five. Who knew the Swiss can make more than peace and good chocolate?

MROD REVIEWS

I saw two French themed movies this weekend.  Thoughts below in everyway express the opinion of me. La Vie En Rose

Warning: Potential spoilers below.

This French film (subtitled in English) of the tempestuous life of the iconic French singer Edith Piaf (1915-1963) utilizes a deconstructed temporal narrative that lends an epic weight to this biopic.  Her tale, of which many details are still vague and contested, is quite an amazing one: Born Edith Gassion to her busker mom (a singer) and circus father (a contortionist), she was later abandoned to live with her grandmother who ran brothel.  For a significant period of her young childhood at the brothel, she was blind--an ironic development considering the inappropriate environment, despite the nurturing attention of the prostitutes especially one in particular who acted as a surrogate mother.  The theme of temporary proxy parental units would remain a consistent theme throughout her life.  As a young teen, she joined her father as part of joint street act where her singing talent revealed itself.  Eventually singing on her own in the streets, she was discovered by an owner of a popular nightclub who, despite Edith's evident lack of physical charisma and initial discomfort on stage, would provide her first big break, as well as designate a stage name "La Mome Piaf" (The Sparrow Kid) that Edith would later adopt as her own--Edith Piaf (Piaf being slang for 'sparrow.').  Along with her passion for singing--her life essence really--on stage, she never lost her crude street mannerisms and bibulous tastes.  Nonetheless, her voice catapulted her to the national and global stage.

Rather than a celebration or story of triumph, the movie seems to fetishistically focus on the painfully depressing aspects of her life: her lifelong physical awkwardness, the whorehouse upbringing, her alcoholism and morphine addiction to name just a few.  As a result the film ultimately fails in providing a nuanced portrayal.

One walks away from the movie asking if it was all worth it.  Edith would say "absolutely," but the film seems to suggest otherwise.

Two stars out of five.  Just because it's French doesn't mean it's good.

Ratatouille

(I can't believe I spelled this movie title correctly on my first try!)

Animated film powerhouse Pixar hits another one out of the ballpark and without the aid of steroids.

Communicating dual themes of individualism and family, this is a brilliant tale of a talented epicurean French rat (an interesting pick of a sympathetic creature if one wants to think too hard about it) partnering with a clueless dishwasher boy at a famed Parisian restaurant to fulfill both of their dreams.  While utilizing familiar tropes found in other animated movies such as the protagonist's separation from their family and the punchline sidekick, Ratatouille delectably blends traditional themes with contemporary ones that reflects for instance, France's multicultural population.  The result is a hilarious story, with some audience gasping surprise moments, as well as the expected Pixar trademark dazzling animation.  Moreover, it provides a level of sophistication that avoids bludgeoning the adult viewer (Calling Shrek, calling Shrek...).  The only flaw, and a major disappointing one for me, was the questionable ethnic stereotyping of the villain--a Fu Manchu mustache wearing, vertically challenged head chef of some vague brown heritage.

Nonetheless, who knew rats could be so cute and creative in the kitchen.

The pre-feature short animated film, which I won't ruin for you here, is also one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. Four and a half stars out of five.  Must eat see animated movie of this summer!

WORST SOCCER FIELD EVER. EVERRR.

Tangentially related by the flimsiest thread: Best soccer movie of all time is--No, not Kicking and Screaming although it is quite hilarious--Victory featuring Pele and Stallone.  I know I've mentioned this film here before, but that's inevitable for a cinematic masterpiece.

MOVIES OF THE WEEK

I saw two movies this week that couldn't be more disparate from one another.  One was a brilliant, but ultimately flawed Spanish film.  The second was cotton candy drivel for the masses that appealed to the lowest common denominator. The former was Pan's Labyrinth, which has been sort of billed as the "fairy tale for adults" and while that characterization certainly resonates throughout the story, the level of violence depicted (although not necessarily gratuitous...) ultimately distracts from the story, as well as the film's other redeeming qualities, such as its cinematographic beauty.  Of course, before Walt Disney got his hands on the fairy tale mythos, fundamentally and traditionally fairy tales were gruesome and terrible, filled with all manners of dreadful creatures and grim imagery and in part, it is this that writer and director Guillermo Del Toro is tapping into.  However just as I found myself getting drawn into the phantasmagoria of Ofelia's (the Cinderella, Gretel, and the Little Red Riding Hood of the movie) world, the all too explicit gore shocked me out of my entrancement.  Nonetheless, Del Toro usage of post civil war Franco Spain as a backdrop creates a brilliant dichotomy with that of Ofelia's world.  I don't want to talk too much about the plot for fear of revealing too much, but I do recommend you see this movie in the theater--just be sure to leave the kiddies at home.  On a side note, this was a bizarre movie to watch on Valentine's Day.  I give it three out of five stars.

As for the second film, I'm actually quite embarrassed to admit that I saw it.

*Cough*Musicandlyrics*Cough*

It might be one of the worst movies I've ever seen and not in that "so bad, it's so good" way either.  I'm very hard pressed to find one redeeming thing about the film, which says a lot because the masochist in me is rather forgivable towards insipid films.  Premise is a has-been forgotten former 80's pop group singer has to write a song for...oh nevermind.

Oh wait!  I just thought of something positive about the movie: it motivated me and my friend to find a bar afterwards as quickly as possible.  I give this pablum of a film one dim star out of five.

THE GAY TOP GUN

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekXxi9IKZSA] This trailer "outs" what we all suspected about that movie Top Gun, which masqueraded (sashayed?) around as some uber-masculine ode to normative concepts of manhood and notions of brotherness when it really was just one ol' big gay love story. A Brokeback Airforce, if you will.

This shouldn't be a big surprise--look at the title of the movie for god's sakes! TOP GUN, are you kidding me? They might as well have called it "Tom and Val's Romp Through the Sky: Gay Romp Through the Sky." Pornographers always end up making a spoof of all the major hit movies, such as:

A Clockwork Orgy, Edward Penishands, Forrest Hump, Good Will Humping, I Know Who You Did Last Summer, ET: The Extra-Testicle, Jurassic Pork, Saving Ryan's Privates, Star Trek: The Next Penetration, and last but certainly not least the Valentines Day classic: When Harry Ate Sally. (Link Semi-NSFW)

However, when they got around to making their own special version of Top Gun, they didn't have to change the title at all. Although I suspect that Top Gun was actually referring to Val Kilmer's character because Tom Cruise is totally a bottom.

CALLING IT NOW: THIS IS THE MOVIE OF 2007

Hyperbole aside, this movie featuring Will Ferrell and John Heder looks freakin' high-larious.  Will Ferrell and John Heder (Napoleon Dyn-o-mite) play rival professional figure skaters who get banned.  They eventually partner up for some man-on-man figure skating action.  Obviously, this film isn't going to challenge your mind, but it will definitely provide a few infinitely repeatable lines. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qr4UeqUKQoI]

Speaking of figure skating movies, did any of ya'll watch Cutting Edge when you were younger?  That movie rocked.

STEP OUT...WITH BROWN!

This past weekend, I saw yet another "so bad, it's so good" movie: "Step Out," which introduced this country to urban plight and hip hopallet (the bastard child of ballet and hip hop dancing).  I'll spare you the plot (not much of one), but other than the synchronized dance scene at a party, I thoroughly enjoyed the plug that my alma mater (Brown) got.  Girl wants to dance.  Mom wants her to apply to Brown. But see, in real life--the girl could do BOTH dance AND go to Brown, because that's the kind of school Brown is, ya'll.  I was able to pursue my love of interpretative dance while majoring in Political Science when I was a student there.  Kids, follow your dreams.

FUN MOVIE TRIVIA GAME

Test your movie fu knowledge with this fun trivia game.  I got 9 out of 28, which actually felt like quite an accomplishment.

NEW TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES FILM?

So the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Turtles in a half shell--Turtle POWER!) had quite an impact on my formative years as a youth. I was obsessed with the cartoon, the comics, the movie, the soundtrack to the movie (Go ninja, go ninja, go ninja, GO!), the toys, and the video games. When not doing homework, I would spend a-many times drawing these fierce, but hilarious turtles. Of course, each turtle I drew had a 14-pack and 6 biceps. 'Roids ya'll! One of my fondest memories from my childhood is playing as Donatello--because we all know that he rocks and is teh best--in the four-person arcade version at Chuck-E-Cheese. Yea, you know the one I'm talking about. I was such a good little kid for the marketing machine behind the TMNT phenomenon. A good chunk of my time was concerned with attempting to scheme my way into getting as many ninja turtle action figure and accessories as I could. Unfortunately, I never did get that sweet blimp the turtles could float around in and as a result, I would always walk through the toy aisle forlornly. Pathetic I know, but give me a break, I was 17.

With this history, I'm a little stoked to say the least at the news of a new TMNT movie coming out next year. I'm surprised that it got greenlit here in the 21st century, but maybe the studio is banking on nostalgia to drive guys into the theater (I don't see too many chicks being eager for this movie to come out--except for these girls). I don't know, but check out the trailer.

Who was your favorite turtle in a half shell?

THE GLADIATOR FOR THE SENSITIVE MAN

I just finished watching "The Gladiator" on TNT for the umpteenth time. Am I the only guy that gets choked up in the final scene when the senator looks down at the fallen body of Maximus and asks "Who will help me carry him?"